Chapter 6

 

The more he thought about it, the more Lance was convinced that Erin really did know Chris and the two of them were in cahoots. They’d never met, of that he was sure, but somehow, somewhere along the way they had to have gotten together and exchanged ideas. The other alternative-that there was someone out there who thought like Chris-was way too scary to think about.

 

Either way, they were both right, and let me tell you was he ever tired of that, and it was way past time he got off his ass and did something about his feelings for JC. It was either that or he had to walk away, because this pussy footing around was beginning to seriously get on his last nerve. With that thought in mind, Lance finished brushing his teeth, took a good long look at himself in the mirror, winked, and went to get his man.

Had JC known what was about to happen, he might have skipped that second cup of coffee and escaped to take his shower. But then again, maybe he wouldn’t have. There was no doubt he’d been looking at Lance in a different light of late, and though he wasn’t entirely sure that was a good thing, he wasn’t quite convinced it was bad either. Still, he almost choked on that coffee when Lance came sauntering into the kitchen, as he leaned against the counter sipping from his favorite mug, shirtless.

 

When, JC wondered, had Lance gotten a six-pack, and had he always, he questioned as he watched Lance walk across the room, had that swivel in his hips?

 

“So,” Lance stopped directly in front of JC. “I’ve been thinking?”

 

“Wh…ahem,” JC cleared his suddenly dry throat. “What about?”

 

“There’s something I’ve been wanting.” Lance let his eyes travel over JC’s face. “For a long time now, and I think I need to stop thinking about it and just go for it.”

 

“Ah…” JC’s eyes widened when Lance took the mug from him and placed it on the counter behind him. They widened even more when Lance placed gripped the counter with both hands, effectively trapping JC between his arms, and leaned in.

 

“I’ve been wanting to do this for forever,” Lance said as his head bent to JC’s, “but I’m a little nervous, so bear with me, okay?”

 

“O…oh,” JC breathed when Lance brushed his lips over his in a kiss as soft as the beating of a butterfly’s wings. Delicately, Lance touched his mouth to JC’s again and brought a hand up to cup the back of JC’s neck. He waited a moment, to see if JC would pull away, and when he didn’t Lance increased the pressure and for the first time fully covered JC’s mouth with his lips. Tentatively, at first, he explored the contours of JC’s mouth, learning the peaks and dips of his upper lip, and the fullness of the bottom. He nearly wept from the wonder of having the lips he’d dreamed of for so long moving under his. It wasn’t a dream, he knew that, because no dream had ever felt this good, had ever been this sweet.  JC was here, in his arms, not pushing him away, but pulling him closer and kissing him back.

 

No longer hesitant, no longer unsure, he traced his tongue lightly over the seam of JC’s lips and then dipped inside when JC opened to him. JC tasted like a miracle, warm and soft, wet and sweet, so, so sweet, and when he wrapped an arm around Lance’s waist to pull him closer and their bodies touched, Lance knew that he’d never truly known what desire meant, until now.

 

Still, he kept the kiss soft, even as his fingers tangled in the curls at the back of JC’s neck. After all this time he wanted to savor this, their first kiss. There were a thousand thoughts running through his mind, questions that would have to be asked, and answered, along with a thousand emotions pounding at his heart; he pushed them all aside and concentrated only on the feeling of JC’s hand coming up to lay softly against his bare chest.

 

How long they stood there, tentatively touching, softly kissing, Lance couldn’t say. Less than a lifetime, more than forever, however it turned out, Lance knew that this moment, this beginning, would forever be imprinted on his heart. If he ended up with it broken, well, he would deal with that, but he would never regret trying, not now, not ever, because it was everything-everything-to be standing here with this man, in this moment, and know that it wasn’t a dream.

 

Reluctantly, Lance eased away from the kiss, though he couldn’t stop himself from touching his mouth to JC’s one more time when he got a glimpse of his kiss swollen lips.

 

“So, like I was saying.” It was hard for Lance to take a step back and put some distance between them. “I’ve been thinking about that for a while.” He reached out one last time, touched the tip of his finger to JC’s moist bottom lip. “Maybe now, you’ll have something to think about, too.”

 

 

“Maybe now, you’ll have something to think about, too.”

 

How could he not think about it when even now, hours later, he could still feel Lance’s mouth moving against his. Safely enclosed in his third floor studio, JC paced from his easel to the window and back again.  He studied the image he’d just finished painting, and sighed. Generally, he didn’t do portraits, but the look on Lance’s face just after their kiss had haunted him and he’d been compelled to put in on canvas.

 

Was it just his imagination, or had the deep longing that he’d painted in Lance’s eyes, really been there when they’d pulled apart? Lance’s cheeks had been flushed with desire, just as they were in the painting, of that JC had no doubt, but were the other feelings, feelings that JC had been missing for how long, real or just wishful thinking on his part?

 

No one knew better than he how oblivious he could be to things, how often he lost himself to the music or visions that filled his mind and just begged to be written or painted. Over the years he’d honed that ability, had used it as a defense mechanism, and as a relief from the tedium that could come when spending endless hours on a bus. What that meant, was that sometimes he missed even the most obvious things. Had Lance’s feelings for him, he wondered as he gazed at the other man’s likeness, been one of those things? 

 

He wandered to the window again, sat in the wide window seat, which offered him an endless view of sky and water, and allowed his mind to drift. They shared so much history, he and Lance, that JC had been sure there wasn’t anything he didn’t know about his friend. Lance had thrown that theory right out the window with his kiss. How long, JC wondered, had Lance been thinking of doing that? How much courage had it taken for Lance to put himself out there without being sure his feelings would be returned? A lot, JC imagined. Certainly more than he was capable of…or was it more than he had been capable of? There was so much about himself that he’d changed over the last eight months, and maybe that had taken more courage than he was giving himself credit for. Hell, there were no maybes about it, doing what he’d done, walking away from the group, coming out not only to himself, but to everyone else too, that had taken a level of bravery he hadn’t known he possessed. He knew it now, and as he watched Lance walk out onto the lawn, his hands tucked in his pockets, his head bowed, JC knew what needed to be done, and that he had the guts to do it.

 

“I’m not going to regret doing it, Sadie.” Lance wrestled the tennis ball away from his dog. “I’m tired of hiding what I feel, and if it blows up in my face, then I can deal with that, but I won’t regret it.”

 

“And what if it doesn’t blow up in your face?”

 

Lance whirled around at the sound of JC’s voice. “Ah…”

 

“What if I said, I’ve been blind, but now I’m seeing things really clear, and I like what I’m seeing…” JC moved until he was close enough to see the sweat pearled on Lance’s upper lip. “A lot.”

 

Outwardly Lance appeared calm, inside he was anything but. “I guess I’d say good,” he met JC’s eyes and smiled. “ And that it’s about goddamn time.”

 

“Are you trying to say I’m slow, Mr.Bass?”

 

“You?!” Lance feigned shock. “Never!”

 

JC ducked his head and chuckled. “Okay, smartass, so I’m a little slow.”

 

“Gee, ya think? I mean it only took you thirty years to figure out that you didn’t really like girls. I don’t think that’s all that long, do you?”

 

“Well you see, that’s where you’re wrong, I like girls. I’ve just discovered that I like boys…” JC touched a hand to Lance’s hair. “Especially pretty, blonde boys, more.”

 

“I thought,” Lance had to pause when JC fingers trailed down around his ear to the back of is neck. “I thought you liked brunettes.”

 

“Apparently,” JC inched closer, his gaze never wavering from Lance, “not anymore.”

 

“JC,” Lance slapped a hand against JC’s chest, stopping the descent of JC’s head toward his. “What exactly does that mean?”

 

“It means,” JC covered Lance’s hand with his, “that I’m really attracted to you, Lance. It means,” he took advantage of Lance’s preoccupation with their hands to lean in and brush his lips over Lance’s, “that I’d like to see where this whole thing could lead, and it means,” this time he placed his mouth over Lance’s and left it there, “that I’d really love to kiss you again.”

 

Lance let himself sink into the kiss. How could he help it when for years he’d been dreaming of doing just this, even though he’d been sure that it would turn out to be nothing more than that…a dream. Still, the rational part of his brain refused to shut off as JC’s mouth melded with his. “JC,” reluctantly Lance eased back, “not that I want to stop this, but I think maybe I should clarify something before we continue.” He paused, unsure now that he had JC’s full attention of what he was about to do. “This is…uhm…more than just physical attraction for me. I just thoughtyoushouldknowthat,” he rambled when JC only stood, patiently, watching him.

 

“And you think, what?” JC asked. “That’s all it is for me?”

 

Lance shrugged. “I don’t know. This is all new to you, and…”

 

“And so therefore it must be nothing more than physical for me right?” JC snapped, his hands curling into fists at his sides. “Because you know, that’s all that I’m about right, getting some. I mean, that’s why I, after embracing what I am, still haven’t slept with anyone…because I’m just all about getting laid.”

 

“Oh.” It was the only thing Lance could get past the constriction in his throat when JC’s word finally hit their mark.

 

“Yeah…oh.”

 

“You haven’t….I thought…Ben…”

 

“Is a great guy, and I won’t deny that we’ve done stuff, but we haven’t done that.”

 

Lance asked the first thing that popped into his head, “Why not? What’s wrong with him?” He blushed scarlet as soon as the words were out of his mouth, especially when JC began to answer and he realized that he’d have to explain what he meant.

 

“There’s nothing wrong with him, he’s fine, I just didn’t….”

 

“No, that’s not…” Lance shuffled his feet, “that’s not what I meant.”

 

“Well what then?”

 

“I just…don’t know…” Lance ducked his head. “How he could not want to…you’re so…so…” Lance gulped when he looked up to find JC close enough to touch.

 

“He did want do…does want to,” JC corrected. “I don’t.”

 

Lance tilted his head, studied JC for a moment before he asked, “You’re still not sure?”

 

“I’m sure.”

 

“Then why?” Lance wanted to know, “If you like him, and you’re together, why not…”

 

“Experiment?” JC supplied when Lance had trouble coming up with a word.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Because this isn’t an experiment for me, Lance. This is my life, and I want more than just trial and error. This time it counts, and I want it to mean more than just scratching an itch, or picking up someone because I’m lonely, or I need to fill a void. I’ve done that, and all I’ve got to show for it is eleven years of nothing and six months of therapy bills.” JC took a step back when Lance reached out a hand to him. “Denial sucks man, let me tell you, and I’m through with it, which is why I’m standing here instead of sitting up there,” he turned to point up at the house, “watching you and pretending that I’m not feeling anything for you.” JC paused, needing to take the time so that he got this right. “I’m not going to lie and tell you that I’ve thought about you like this for years or anything like that, because I haven’t. Hell, the day you got here, I wasn’t thinking this way about you, but somewhere over the last couple of weeks, I’ve started looking at you in a different way, and at first, I’ll admit, I pushed it back, but you changed all that this morning, Lance, and now that I know you’re thinking the same, there is no going back. I want to see where this goes. I want to see if the person I love as a friend, is someone I can love as more, and I know that we can completely fuck this up if we don’t do this right, but I’m willing to take that chance, because I think you’re worth the risk.”

 

How could he have know, Lance thought, that putting himself on the line this morning and going for what he wanted would lead to this, he couldn’t, and he told JC that. “This morning, I had no idea what was going to happen when I kissed you. You could have laughed at me, gotten pissed and punched me, or told me to get the hell out and never come back, but I did it anyway, because I didn’t just think what we could have together was worth the risk, I knew it.” Lance took JC’s hand, looked down as he linked their fingers together, and then looked deep into the serious blue eyes in front of him. “I can tell you that I’ve thought about you in this way for years, because I have. I’ve wanted this, and you, for long enough that it’s pathetic, but that’s okay, because I’ve loved you for eleven years and six months, and now, I do have something to show for it.”

 

 

Lance loved him. Not just wanted to date him, or have sex with him, but loved him. JC lay in his bed, hands behind his head, and contemplated that mind-blowing fact.

 

Lance loved him.

 

It had shocked the hell out of him to hear that, because while he hadn’t been entirely oblivious to the vibes Lance had been throwing off recently, he’d never once thought of them as being anything more than a budding attraction. One that had, at first, confused and concerned him, that was until Lance had started wandering around half dressed and it hit him that the fascination wasn’t entirely one sided. Lance was, had always been, well…JC grinned up at the ceiling…hot. He hadn’t been blind to that fact over all of these years, he’d just never looked at it in quite the same way as he was now. So yeah, at first it had been a little weird, and he’d wigged a bit, easily sliding back into old habits of thinking if he didn’t acknowledge it, it would go away. It was what he’d done since he’d been about sixteen and had felt his first stir of desire for a guy. His course had been set for him, from the time he was fourteen and joined the Mouse Club, he’d been destined to be the cute, dorky, girl magnet. It wasn’t even possible for him to remember how many times he’d been told that he was the boy all the girls could bring home to mom and wasn’t it just great that he was able to date anyone he wanted, and no it wouldn’t hurt his image if it got out that he was a little bit girl crazy, he should date and be seen with as many girls as he wanted.

 

He’d followed along because hey, he was fourteen and not impervious to all the attention that a lot of very pretty young ladies had showered on him. They had told him who he was supposed to be, and that’s who he was, end of story. So on those occasions when he’d get those feelings…and he never allowed himself to think of them in any other terms than those feelings he’d pretend they weren’t there and throw himself at another pretty girl.

 

Of course he’d always been discreet, Disney and then Lou had insisted on that. Be attractive, date, but don’t alienate the fans by saying you have a girlfriend, but don’t play the field too much because, God forbid, you stop coming across as the picture perfect boy next door. Somewhere, in the dark recess’ of his mind he’d known the whole thing was completely fucked up, but they’d hand fed him the lines for so long, that eventually he’d stopped looking into that dark corner and just believed them.

 

By the time he’d been freed from all of their influences the truth of who he really was had been buried so deep he no longer even gave a thought to finding it. Over the years he’d become an expert at shielding himself from the less pleasant aspects of the world he lived in, and though they’d deny it, he was well aware that the others had helped him with that. Lou would throw a fit and Chris would put himself between JC and him. Critics would write scathing reviews about a song he’d written, and Joey would whisk the magazine or paper away before JC could see it. Justin would play the prima donna to the hilt because he knew that JC hated the scrutiny of the press, and by pulling the spotlight to him, he gave JC a certain level of peace he’d never have had otherwise. And Lance, well he’d been there, steering JC clear of the things that somehow he’d always known would hurt him.

 

It was funny how well he could see all of that now. They’d taken care of him, circled around him and closed him in, able to see the frailty that he’d thought well hidden. They’d loved him, still did, only now he knew the true extent of the love that one of them had long held for him.

 

Describing how that made him feel would have been next to impossible for JC at that moment. A big part of him wasn’t sure he deserved to have something that pure and lasting, especially as he didn’t know if there would ever come a time when he could return the feeling. He loved Lance, as he loved Chris, Joey, and Justin, only now the feelings he had for Lance were, not different, but more. It was a little scary, because he now knew that he had the power to hurt Lance, and with that power came responsibility, to open himself up to the possibilities of where those feelings could take them, to be honest, to himself and to Lance about what he was feeling, and to take care not to use that power, ever, to gain something for himself at Lance’s expense.

 

In the not to distant past, he’d have worried that he wasn’t up to the challenge, now he looked forward to it. This was what he’d wanted, a fresh start, a new challenge, and a chance to love the way he’d come to know he was meant to…with Lance.

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