Chapter 10
Lance woke to pearly sunlight peeking through blinds he and JC hadn’t quite managed to close the previous night. There was an arm draped possessively over his hip, and when he shifted his head on the pillow, a sleepy set of cobalt eyes staring back at him.
“Hey.” Lance’s voice was gravely, so he cleared it before asking, “What are you doing up so early?”
JC kissed him before answering, “Watching you.”
Lance’s eyes drifted closed again when JC nuzzled his neck. “Why?”
“Because I like looking at you.” JC nipped delicately at Lance’s jaw. “Because I can.” He moved from jaw to lips and then chin. “Because you’re beautiful.”
“Girls are beautiful, guys aren’t.”
Leaning away, JC ran a finger along Lance’s jaw. “Oh, yes they are.” And to JC’s way of thinking, the pink now tingeing Lance’s cheeks only added to the appeal. “When we make love, when I’m inside you and I look at you.” JC sighed into Lance’s mouth. “Beautiful.”
There wasn’t a doubt in JC’s mind, as he dipped his head to deepen the kiss, that Lance didn’t believe him, but JC thought that maybe there was a way to convince him.
“When I touch you, your lips part and your eyes go smoky, and then when I kiss you, like this,” JC leaned in, brushed his lips over his lovers. “They almost completely close and your lashes touch your cheek.” JC laid his lips on the spot. “Beautiful.” Moments passed as JC explored the contours of Lance’s face. “That noise you make, when I touch your skin - yeah, just like that,” JC murmured when Lance let out a breathy sigh. “Beautiful.”
He could have gone on about what made Lance beautiful to him, but then he ran his hand over the surprisingly soft skin of Lance’s hip and JC was lost. It was all still so new to him, the feel of a man’s skin under his hands, the places that were hard when JC was used to soft; new, different, and incredible. These, the feelings touching Lance brought him, were what JC had been missing all these years.
JC had enjoyed women, being with them, sometimes even making love to them, but something had always felt off. He’d always blamed it on the girl not being the right girl, and in a way that was true, though it hadn’t been them, but the fact that they were female that had been wrong. This - feeling his skin slide along Lance’s as their body’s met - this was beyond right.
Something lodged in JC’s throat when they were laying heart to heart and he looked down into Lance’s face. He’d never felt anything remotely like this before, never had this overwhelming urge to lay his heart bare, though JC knew he couldn’t, not yet. There was too much at stake, too much to lose if he screwed up this time, and so as he joined their bodies he said simply, “Beautiful.”
Lance waited until he heard the shower start before he got out of bed and headed downstairs to make breakfast. He figured with the amount of time JC took showering he could have the food ready and back upstairs before JC emerged from the bathroom.
Nerves danced along his skin as he plucked ingredients for French toast from the refrigerator. The last thing JC had said to him before he’d disappeared into that bathroom was, ‘As soon as I’m done, we’ll talk, okay?’
No, not okay, Lance thought as he banged a skillet onto the stovetop to heat. It wasn’t that he didn’t have questions, because he did, but last night had been amazing, and this morning - Lance sighed as he broke eggs into a bowl - this morning had been even better. Things were going well - JC was here, in his house, sharing his bed - and he didn’t want to do anything to change that. It was best to keep things light, happy and stress free. Asking questions that would stir up old hurts would be everything but comfortable and Lance planned on avoiding it at all costs - until he absolutely couldn’t. Which is why he’s filling a tray and carting it back upstairs, in the hopes that in bed, he can keep JC distracted for long enough to make him forget about their little chat.
JC however, was either better at reading him than Lance thought, or had taken to quick showers because just as Lance was rounding the landing and heading up again, JC came bounding down to meet him.
“Mmm, that smells great,” JC declared, bending down to sniff appreciatively at the tray in Lance’s hand.
“I was, ah, just bringing it up so that we could eat in bed.”
JC beamed at him, though Lance thought he caught something in JC’s eye as he did.
“That’s a great idea, Lance. And we’ll have to do that one-day, but I think today it’d be better if we ate in the kitchen. We really do need to talk.”
“Well, okay, but we can talk upstairs, too.”
“Baby, you and I both know if we get back in that bed, the last thing we’re going to do is talk.”
Lance blushed under JC’s direct gaze. “Oh, well, yeah,” Lance sighed. “Okay.”
His thoughts jumbled, Lance turned on his heel and made his way back down the short flight of steps into the kitchen. Quiet, he set about finding placemats to put on the table, and then just as quietly he transferred over the items from the tray. And he managed to do it all without once looking at the man leaning against the counter watching him.
“All set,” he declared brightly, before taking a seat. Lance concentrated on moving food from platter to plate, pouring coffee, and drizzling syrup over the golden toast. It was only when he took the first healthy mouthful - which stuck like glue in his throat that he noticed JC hadn’t moved at all.
“Aren’t you going to eat?” Lance asked, when he managed to
force the food down.
JC didn’t answer, though he did make his way over to the table, but instead of taking his seat as Lance thought he would, he took Lance’s hands and pulled him to his feet. JC felt a tremor run through Lance’s body when he pulled him into his arms and knew that he’d been right to listen to the niggling voice in the back of his head telling him something was off.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, his hand coming up to massage the tense muscles in Lance’s neck.
“Nothing’s wrong,” Lance began, but he stopped when JC leaned back and caught his eye.
“What’s wrong?” JC asked again, his thumbs running up and down the cords of Lance’s neck in a soothing motion. “You were fine when I went into the shower, and now you’re – I don’t know – spooked or something.” JC dipped down slightly, “Talk to me, Lance. What’s going on?”
“JC, nothing’s wrong. Really.” Lance flashed a bright smile and tried to pull away. JC wasn’t having it.
“You know, Lance, one of the things I used to do in relationships was take whatever anyone told me at face value and not look any further. It was easier that way, because even if I knew we were having issues I could get out of dealing with them that way.” JC used his thumbs to tilt Lance’s head up until they’re eyes met. “I don’t want to do that anymore. Talk to me, Lance. What happened between my shower and now?”
“Nothing happened. Honestly,” Lance added when JC shot him a look. “I guess I just got a little you know.” Lance shrugged. “About us talking and stuff.”
Genuinely puzzled, JC asked, “But I thought you wanted to talk. You told Justin that you were still hurt by stuff, don’t you think we should talk about that? Especially if we’re going to move forward with this?”
It was funny that in the thirty or so words that JC had just spoken the one that resounded in Lance’s brain the loudest was the smallest of them all. If. Was JC already thinking this – them – was a bad idea? Or had Lance made him think that by acting like such a moron this morning? Either way, it wasn’t good, and he needed to fix things, fast.
“I was hurt, but you know, after listening to you explain things to Justin, I guess I understand why you did things that way.”
“You guess?” JC still couldn’t quite figure out what was going on, though he was more than sure now that something was.
“No, I know. You needed to work things out on your own and
that’s cool. And just because I’m gay doesn’t mean that I would have gotten what
you were going through, so even if you had come to me – which you didn’t have
to, cause you know we were just friends – I might not have gotten where you were
coming from and…”
“Lance, stop.” JC pressed a finger against Lance’s lips. “Stop.” He took Lance’s hand, led him back to the table and though they sat across from each other, JC didn’t let go. “I know that I hurt you with my silence. You have feelings for me, and that made things different for you than for the others.”
“Yeah, but –
“No, no buts.” JC looked down at their entwined fingers. “There were a lot of things I should have seen and sometimes I wonder how different things would have been if I had.”
“Different how?”
“Maybe I would have spent the last eleven years loved instead of lonely. I think – no, I know – it’s what I’ve always been looking for, someone to love me. Not because I was a relative or friend, but because they saw something in me that was lovable. Someone that I could look at and believe I was their everything, and know they were mine. I think you’re what I’ve always been looking for and maybe…”
“Maybe – if I had told you – it would have had the opposite effect. Maybe finding out a guy loved you when you were blocking that you were gay would have completely freaked you out and made you go deeper inside yourself. You would have hated me for forcing you to see something you weren’t ready for.”
“I could never hate you.”
“I think the point is, JC, that there were things you had to figure out first before you could see me this way.”
“And now that I have figured them out, we can…”
“Take things one step at a time and see where it leads us.”
“But…” JC was genuinely puzzled by Lance’s attitude.
“Don’t be in such a hurry to get somewhere, JC, until you’re really sure it’s where you want to go.”
“I want to be with you, that’s something I’m very sure of.”
For now, Lance thought, but kept to himself.
“I want to keep building on what we started at my house.”
“We will,” Lance assured him. For as long as it took JC to realize what else might be waiting for him out there.
There was still something in Lance’s expression that JC couldn’t quite name, but he brushed it off as new relationship jitters with Lance’s answer.
“So, about the conversation with Justin…”
Lance tightened his fingers around JC’s. “I’m fine with all of that, JC. Really. You answered the question I had about Erin last night, and I understand why you felt like you needed to figure out things on your own. I did that too, at first.” Lance smiled, remembering. “Until the day my sister brought a new boyfriend home and caught me drooling over him. She pinched the truth out of me.” Lance rubbed his arm, almost as if the spot still hurt. “After that I told my mom, and she told my dad.”
“I know he wasn’t very supportive about it at first. I remember you telling me that one night in Germany.” JC couldn’t imagine what he would have done had his father reacted badly to his being gay. “It hurt you. His silence.”
“Yeah.” Lance idly traced the veins along the back of JC’s hand. “It took a long time before he’d even talk to me about it, and then when he did, it was just to try and convince me I was wrong.”
“What made him come around?”
A frown marred the smooth skin of Lance’s brow. “I’m not sure he ever really has. I think he just got better at tolerating the thought of it. I’ve never brought a guy home, or even really been around him with anyone I dated. It’s just kind of something we don’t talk about.”
“That’s awful.”
“It is what it is, JC. My dad isn’t exactly the bendable type, ya know?”
“But what about…”
“Us?”
“Yeah,” JC nodded. “What about us?”
“I’ll tell my mom, she’ll tell him, and that’ll be that. It’s not like he comes to visit a lot or anything, and when he does we’ll just be careful not to rub his face in it, that’s all.”
“But…”
“Listen, JC.” Lance quickly changed the subject. “I know you came up here so we could spend some time together, but I still have work, and I should have been in to the office an hour ago.”
“Oh.”
“I really need to hit the shower and get down there before Wendy sends out a search party.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”
“No, it’s fine, really. I meant to mention it earlier, but I got distracted.” Lance bent down and kissed JC. “Very nicely, may I add? It’ll more than make up for the chewing out Wendy is going to give me.”
JC smiled at the memory of their waking. “Yeah?”
“Oh, yeah.” Lance deepened the kiss until he was sure JC’s mind was on nothing but it, and then he slowly eased away. “I need to get in the shower.”
“Okay.” JC ran his tongue over his lip, tasting Lance there. “But when you come home later, I’m not letting you off so easy.”
Lance tensed for a moment, thinking JC was going to push the talking issue again. He relaxed when JC grinned up at him and offered. “Maybe instead of breakfast in bed, we can do dinner.”
“Mmm, that sounds nice.” Lance brushed another kiss over JC’s lips. “I’ll be back by six, promise.”
“I’ll be waiting.” JC breathed. “Naked, with food.”
“Lord, this is going to be the longest meeting of my life,” Lance growled, before making his escape upstairs to the shower, JC’s light laughter following behind him.
Quickly making his way to the master bedroom, Lance grabbed clean clothes from his armoire before heading into the bathroom. In the shower, he turned the water on, waited a minute, and then stepped under the near scalding spray. His hand shook at he squeezed a dollop of shampoo into his palm and began to lather his short hair.
Stupid, he was so stupid – for slipping when he was talking to J, for asking about Erin after, and then for bringing up his dad this morning. He was supposed to be keeping things easy and light; JC had had enough drama in his life over the last eight months and the last thing he needed was more of it now from his - Lance thought back to what JC had called him before he left Monterey – boyfriend.
JC’s boyfriend, I’m JC’s boyfriend, whispered through Lance’s brain, making him smile and sigh. It was what he’d always wanted and what he wouldn’t be for long if he didn’t stop acting like such a moron.
It felt as if he’d waited half his life wishing for this, and now that he had JC, he wanted to keep him for as long as he could. He wasn’t foolish enough to think this was a lifetime thing. Aside from JC being new to this game and eventually wanting to experience more than Lance could offer, Lance just wasn’t lucky when it came to love. Still – for now – JC did belong to Lance and if Lance wanted to keep him around for more then a couple of weeks, he was going to have to watch his step.
No more talking about dad and his issues; definitely no more angst about Erin and how close she and JC were; and no more slipping about the hurt he’d suffered when JC hadn’t turned to him.
He was going to keep it simple and sweet for as long as he could; for as long as it lasted.
JC’s boyfriend, he, Lance Bass was finally JC Chasez’s boyfriend.
For as long as it lasted.